– I will not forgive, – She said. – I will remember.
– Forgive – asked her Angel. – Forgive, you will feel easier.
– Never, – she said stubbornly pressing her lips. – It is impossible to forgive. Never.
– You’re going to take revenge? – Angel asked anxiously.
– No, I will not take revenge. I’m above that.
– Do you crave for a severe punishment?
– I do not know what punishment would be sufficient.
– Everyone has to pay for their decisions. Sooner or later, but everyone… – Angel said quietly. – Nobody can avoid it.
– Yes I know.
– Then forgive! Take off that burden. Now you’re away from your offenders.
– No. I can not. And I do not want. There is no excuse for them.
– Well, it’s your business – the angel sighed. – Where are you going to keep your resentments?
– Here and here – she touched her head and her heart.
– Please be careful – asked the angel. – The poison of offense is very dangerous . It can settle the stone and pull you to the bottom, it can also give rise to a furious flame that burns all alive.
– This Stone of Remembrance and Noble Rage – She interrupted him. – They’re on my side.
And resentment settled there, where she said – in her head and her heart.
She was young and healthy, she built her own life, and fresh blood flowed in her veins, and lungs greedily breathed the air of freedom. She got married, had children, made friends. Sometimes, of course, she used to be upset on them but most
of the time she was forgiving. Sometimes she would get angry and fought, then she was forgiven. She had all kind of stuff in her life but she tried not to remember her offense.
Many years passed before she heard the word that she hated again – to “forgive”.
– My husband betrayed me. The children are constantly upsetting me. Money do not like me. What to do? – She asked the elderly psychologist.
He listened carefully, clarified a lot of details and all the time he was asking her to talk about her childhood. She got angry and changed the subject to present time, but he once again returned to her childhood. It seemed to her that he was
walking down the streets of her memory chasing down that old resentment and pull it out into the light . She did not want to, that is why she resisted. But he managed to find.
– You need to purify yourself, – he summed up. – Your resentment grew. Your old resentment stuck to the later resentments , as polyps to a coral reef. This reef has become an obstacle to the flow of vital energy. From it you have your personal
life issues and finances that are not going well. This reef has sharp edges, they hurt your delicate soul. Inside the reef settled and different emotions are confused, they poison your blood with their life waste, and it attracted more and more
– Yes, I have this feeling sometimes – woman nodded. – From time to time I become nervous and sometimes depression presses, and sometimes I just want to kill everyone. Okay, I have to be purified. But how?
– Forgive that very first, most important resentment in your life – advised psychologist. – If there is no foundation the reef will crumble.
– Never! – Snapped the woman. – It was a justified resentment because this is the way it all was! I have the right to be upset!
– You want to be right or happy? – asked the psychologist. But the woman did not answer, she just got up and left, taking with her her coral reef.
A couple of years have passed. That woman was sitting again at a reception, this time in doctor office. The doctor examined the pictures, flipping through tests, frowned and chewed his lips.
– Doctor, why are you silent? – she could not stand it.
– Do you have family? – asked the doctor.
– My parents are dead, my husband and I are divorced and have children and grandchildren, too. Why do you need my relatives?
– You see, you have a tumor. Here – and the doctor pointed to a picture of the skull, where her tumor was. – Based on analysis, it looks bad. This explains your constant headaches, and insomnia, and fatigue. The worst thing is that tumors have a
tendency to a rapid growth. It increases, that’s bad.
– What do you mean , an operation? – She asked, with terrible cold feelings.
– No, – and the doctor became even more serious. – Here are your analyses for the last year. You have a very weak heart. It seems that it is clamped on all sides and is not able to operate at full power. It can not stand an operation. Therefore,
you must first treat the heart, and then …
He did not finish, but she realized that “later” may never come. Or heart can not stand it, or tumor will press.
– By the way, you have a blood test which is not very good. Hemoglobin is low, high white blood cells … I will prescribe you medication, – the doctor said. – But you have to help yourself. You need to bring the body into a relative order and prepare
mentally for the operation.
– But how?
– Positive emotions, warm relations, communication with relatives. Eventually fall in love. Look through a photo album, remember your happy childhood.
The woman only had a sarcastic smile.
– Try to forgive everyone, especially parents – suddenly the doctor advised. – It is very good for your soul. In my practice there were cases when forgiveness has worked miracles.
– Really? – Ironically the woman asked.
– Imagine. In medicine, there is a lot of auxiliary tools. Quality care, for example …. Forgiveness can also be a remedy, at no cost and without a prescription.
Forgive. Or die. Forgive or die? To die but not to forgive? When the choice is to become a matter of life and death, you only need to decide which way you look.
Headache. Aching heart. “Where will you store your resentment?”. “Here and here.” Now in those organs the resentment was. Perhaps resentment has grown too far, and it wanted more. It occurred to it to cast away its owner, to take over the
whole body. Silly resentment , it did not understand that the body may not survive, it will die.
She remembered her main resentments – those from her childhood. Father and mother are all the time or worked, or fighting. They did not love her the way she wanted it. No matter how she tried: excellent marks at school and awards, nor
fulfilling all their demands or protest and rebellion. Then they separated, and each of them started a new family, where she had no place. At sixteen she was sent to college in another city, they gave her a ticket, suitcase with things, and three
thousand for the first time, and that was all – from that moment she became independent and decided: “I will not forgive!”. She wore this resentment her whole life, she even vowed that the resentment will die with her, and it seems that this is
the way where it all headed.
But she had children, grandchildren, and a widowed friend from work, who tried awkwardly to date her, and she did not want to die. Well, that’s true – it was too early to die! “I need to forgive – she decided. – At least to try. ”
– Parents, I forgive you for everything, – she said uncertainly. The words sounded pathetic and unconvincing. Then she took a paper and pencil and wrote: Dear parents, Dear parents! I am no longer angry. I forgive you for everything.
In the mouth there was a bitter taste, her heart sank and her head fell ill more. But she hld her pen tighter and stubbornly, time after time, wrote: “I forgive you. I forgive you”. No relief, just an annoyance was rising.
– Not like that ……. – Angel whispered. – The river is always flowing in the same direction. They’re older, you’re younger. They were first, then it was you. You did not give them birth , they gave birth to you. They gave you the opportunity to come
in this world. Be grateful!
– I am grateful, – the woman said. – And I really really want to forgive them.
– Children do not have the right to judge their parents. Parents are not to be forgiven. You need to ask forgiveness from them.
– For what??? – She asked. – Did I do something bad?
– You did yourself something bad. Why did you keep that resentment? Why do you have a headache? Why do you wear a stone in your chest? What poisons your blood? Why your life is not flowing as deep river but as small streams? You want
to be right or healthy?
– Is it all because of resentment toward my parents? Is it what destroyed me?
– I warned you – Angel recalled. – Angels always warn: do not collect, do not carry, do not poison yourself with resentments. They rot, stink and poison all living things around. We caution! You have your free will ! If humans make choice in favor
of experiencing resentment, we have no right to interfere. But if they consciously choose in favor of forgiveness – we must help.
– And I can still break the coral reef? Or too late?
– Never too late to try – Angel said softly.
– But they are already dead! Whom can I ask forgiveness from ? how to do it?
– You ask. They will hear. Or maybe will not hear. In the end, you do it not for them, but for you.
– Dear parents, – she said. – Forgive me, please, if something went wrong … In general, I’m so sorry for everything.
She was speaking for some time, then she stopped and listened to herself. No miracles – heart aches, headache, and there is no special feeling, all as usual.
– I do not believe myself – she admitted. – So many years have passed …
– Try a different way, – advised Angel. – Be a kid again.
– Stand on your knees and address to them as if you are a child: Mum, Dad.
The woman hesitated a little and fell to her knees. She brought her palms in front, looked up and said, “Mom. Dad”. And then again: “Mom, Dad …”. Her eyes opened wide and began to fill up with tears. “Mum, Dad … it’s me, your daughter …
forgive me … forgive me!”. Her breast rises from sobbing , and then the tears gushed as a torrent. And she kept repeating and repeating: “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I had no right to judge you. Mother, father…”.
It took a lot of time before she run out of tears flow. Exhausted, she sat on the floor, leaning against the couch.
– How are you? – Angel asked.
– I do not know. I do not understand. I think I’m empty, – she said.
– Repeat this daily for forty days, – said the Angel. – As a course of treatment. Like chemotherapy. Or, if you want, instead of chemotherapy.
– Yes. Yes. Forty days. I will.
There was something in her chest that was pulsating, tingling and rolling in warm waves. Maybe it was the reef debris. And for the first time in a long time, she did not have any headache at all about anything.